3 Realizations I’ve Had About Parenting Lately

Posted on 07.15.08 in Parenthood and there are 26 comments.

Most of these are probably old-school to you all, but lately I’ve understood them at a deeper level and it’s changing the way I parent.

1. My kids aren’t going to turn out how I want them to turn out. They’ll turn out like me.
I can’t just pray that my children will be passionate followers of God. I have to show them what that looks like.

They will value what I value.

2. If I micro manage my kids, they’ll micromanage others.
Some parents tend to be lax with their kids. I tend to be the opposite. If they start misbehaving I start micromanaging them. I let every little misdeed bother me.

I’ve recently noticed them doing that with each other. I need to let more stuff go and just focus on the important character building issues.

3. I can’t ask my kids to control their emotions until I have mine under control.
I have two girls. They tend to cry. And occasionally whine.

It annoys the tar out of me. I get frustrated. They get more upset. I tell them they need to stop crying. They say they can’t. I get more annoyed. I tell them they need to control their emotions.

Perhaps I need to start controlling mine.

The Revolution
I feel like there’s been a bit of a revolution in the parenting realm in our house. Jimmy and I have gotten some great advice from books and we’ve had some excellent realizations about how we parent.

It’s been a really good couple of weeks. Thanks for all your encouragement after this post.

Turns out all I needed to do was give up.

(This post is a part of WFMW.)

The Comments:

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I’m always on the lookout for new books and ideas.  I hope you’ll post the book titles.

Crystal

Pray, pray,and don’t stop praying! For your kids and for yourself - that’s what got me through it - let go and let God take ahold of the child and totally give yourself to Him.

Thanks for your reminders.  I need to especially focus on #3.  I have boys and everything is SO loud that I in turn raise my voice and then.... well, you know the rest!

Very relevant in my life, Thanks!

The whole idea of them turning more out like me than what I am trying to teach them, freaks me out… but I completely agree with you.  When I heard my oldest talk to my 3 year old in a “demanding” kind of way, I realized that he sounded like me, and I really didn’t like that, nor want to teach him that thats how you are supposed to treat people.

All I can say - you are exactly right.  Thank you for being a lightbulb moment.

Yes.  They absolutely take life’s cues directly from us.

Thank you for this reminder!

This is a great reminder, and in perfect timing. My husband and I have been discussing these exact 3 points this past week. We have two very hard to deal with kiddos (special needs) and it’s just so trying at time. We think about their futures and what we want for them. We think about their current lives and what we have to do for them. Then we look at how we are dealing with them and realize there’s often a disconnect between the two. But we have, like you have, realized this and are now making big changes to make that connection again.

WOW, now I know why I was led to your site today - what wonderful words of wisdom, and to be posted on my personal bulletin board today - THANKS!

Thanks for those tips.  I recently read a book called “Parking Lot Rules”.  It was a parenting tip book, a quick good read, and lots of good tips

I’ve never seen point #1 put as well as you stated it there.  That’s great, and so true.  All three are great points and all three are ones we need to be reminded of in my house as well.

Isn’t it amazing what we learn when we just give up? I used to really push my poor little boy to learn new skills and get through milestones. It was so frustrating, he just would not cooperate! One day I just gave up, and he suddenly began to thrive.

Wow.  I’m not a mom, but I am a dad, and I have two little ones that are terribly affected by a dad not living these three things the way he should.  Thanks for slapping me in the face with it.  Very powerful, very convicting.

This is spooky...do you like have a camera hidden somewhere in my life?  You have totally nailed my kids and more importantly me right on the head.  Ouch!  Back to the drawing board (which coincidentally usually starts on my knees. Thanks for those great reminders!

Alyson, a tired and often frustrated mom

(This just got spookier...my anti-spam word is europe92...I lived in Europe for about 6 months in 92)

Oh, this is all SO true. I’m the same way. Thanks for the reminder to keep working on myself and let my kids just BE!

sooooooo true :D wanna recommend some books??

This is so true.  SO TRUE.

Found you through Sandcastles.

I used to be so busy micromanaging, that I was never available to be the adventure or to join in the adventure with my kids.  Your points are right on.  Thanks for writing!

This was awesome… thanks

Great reminders. I can’t get over the amount of influence we have as parents. My daughter is copying everything I do and say lately… It is sure making me aware of where I need to grow!
I also tend to micromanage my kids. I’m really trying to step back and just let them be kids, it’s so hard though.

Why are you telling your daughters not to cry? Human beings cry.  Furthermore, whining and crying are *not* the same thing and should not be categorized as though they are.  Crying is an emotionally outlet.  Whining is complaining. 

It makes no sense to claim that you are attempting not to micromanage your children, while at the same time attempting to control even the way they manage their own, personal emotions.  I am saddened that anyone would feel annoyed by their own children crying.  I hope the God you believe in has more patience with you when you express your own sadness with tears then you have with your crying daughters.

@Carly - I just feel compelled to respond to this.  I don’t think that asking your child to stop crying is wrong.  I know, left to themselves, children will cry and cry and cry at certain ages and will continue that habit unless trained to control themselves.  I allow my children to cry and offer compassion, but there comes a point when we need to look them in the eyes and say “ok now you need to stop”

@Kat - we all get frustrated with our child’s emotions, especially when they are younger.  We do indeed need to model controlling our emotions, but we also need to teach our children these things as well.  Keep up the good work mama {{hugs}}

Carly,
Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts. It’s obvious that you care about children and I appreciate your desire to speak up when you read something that doesn’t sit right with you.

I honestly don’t think I can explain where I’m coming from any better than Christina Scott already has, so I’ll just say this:

I’m giving everything I’ve got to be the best mom I can be to my children, but I will undoubtedly fall short.

I’m not a perfect woman. I can’t be a perfect mom. But I follow a perfect God whose boundless love, patience and mercy fills the gaps I leave behind.

Thanks for stopping by my blog. Thanks for sharing your heart.

Carly,

I’m not going to be as polite as Christina and Kat. You are a bully. Women like you are why I avoid parenting boards and just stick to talking with my small group. Kat is kind enough to bare her heart and tell us what she does well and what she struggles with. I would be thrilled to be as good as a mom as Kat is. There’s no doubt in my mind that you carefully crafted your words to inflict the most amout of damage to Kat. Congrats. It worked.

I think it is quite important for those of us who do get frustrated at their children’s emotions to realize that we are not alone in it and it does not make us a bad parent.  It is important to see strong women who we know are good mothers experiencing things that we have...it helps us to know that it is okay.

Kat--I have grown frustrated beyond belief sometimes at my son’s emotional outbursts.  It is who he is and I certainly respect that, but he has to learn also what is appropriate and inappropriate behavior and where this behavior is okay (if at all). I am so proud of you for doing a great job in parenting and relying on God to fill in the gaps of your shortcomings.  If you claimed not to have them, you would be lying to us and the world.

Keep up the good work.

I feel like this generation of moms is very hard on ourselves, and sometimes on each other. Our mothers and grandmothers went through the same frustrations, but they were not subject to the magazines, books and other media that we are that tells us how to parent. My mom- and my sister in law, who is 20 yrs older than me- are both surprised that so many of us doubt and second guess ourselves as mothers. I do it all the time.
You’re a great mom, thank you for opening yourself up and sharing.

Kat,

From the perspective of a fellow mom, albeit a recent one, and from the perspective of a former elementary teacher, I don’t think it is bad to try to help your children reign in their emotions.  Kids who are never told their going overboard or overreacting are usually the ones who are the drama kings and queens of the classroom, distracting the rest of the class from learning.  They are also the ones who have absolutley no self control and throw fits at ages where it is not acceptable or appropriate - 3rd and 4th grade. 

There has to be a line where we let our children grieve and also let them know when they are going overboard.  I’m sure you know when to draw the line.  I’ve seen you in action, heard tons of stories from your s-in-law, and know you are an awesome mom. 

I look at your household as a role model for mine.  No worries - no pressure. 

A great book my husband and I are reading together is The Most Important Place On Earth.  It’s all about raising a Christian family in a Christian home - the most important place on earth. I’ve found it to be good and applicable, with a lot of great tips. I tend to be picky when it comes to that sort of reading…

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